Moneywise24 Personal Finance

I want to end this evening with a small post on making a difference, whether it is about making a difference at work, at your sports club, or simply doing something small for a relative or a good friend.

I find making a difference extremely important; it keeps the mind young, the inspiration going. It could be about doing something extra for your line manager at work, perhaps coming up with an innovative idea, or creating someting new. Or, perhaps you find some information that a friend is looking for.

Whatever it might be, I started to ask myself “what difference did I make today”? It helps me to make the best of each day, and to get the most out of it, knowing that my actions of today will shape my future.

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People who behave impolite and somewhat rude have a higher potential of being perceived as more powerful and in general more successful than others, according to Medical News Today. Generally, people who in fact are powerful behave that way. They tend to smile less, act more rude, interrupt others. The full article is available here.

There are many similar researches, demonstrating that people who look or behave in certain ways are categorized by their surroundings immediately, and hence perceived as someone within that category, be it smart, dumb, confident, or shy. As a result, the main question is how we can apply this to our own financial situation, and perhaps to our own benefit.

We can’t change all traits; some of us are small overweight, perhaps as a result of our genes. Still, there are many things we can do in order to be perceived as smart, intelligent, confident, and attractive, and therewith get better service when we shop, get the better jobs, or receive a better pay. Below are 5 things you can to.

Dress smart

Buying clothes of well-known brands can be quite expensive. Still, the little logo of a well-known brand instantly signals success. Although so small, quality clothing shows, and usually only those who earn well can afford high quality brands. Additionally, the style of dressing shows to which social class you belong. Men in suits, for example, tend to receive much better service at upper class shops than a man in jeans and t-shirt.

Your wardrobe does not need to consist of the most expensive clothing of the highest quality. However, it is still good to purchase at least one or two outfits, for special occasions, for example for an interview. If you work in the office and if you are pursuing a career, it might pay out to have something of high quality to wear for each day during the week. High quality clothing might cost a bit, but it ensures that you get noticed better, and it wears off less quick than cheap clothing.

Be at ease

Being at ease simply means moving in a slow and controlled manner. Important and successful people do not need to rush. In stead, others are rushing for them. Turn down the accelerator a notch, and move slowly, don’t rush. The same applies while seated; either lean to the front slightly, or lean back comfortably, without exaggerating. Don’t fiddle with things, just be eat ease and have a discussion.

Never be interrupted

Important people (or people who think they are important) tend to interrupt others. At the same time, they will not tolerate to be interrupted themselves. Should you be interrupted, it is perfectly okay to tell the other person that you have not finished your scentence; this is one thing that should be respected. If the other person keeps talking, it is up to you to decide to either let him/her talk, to interrupt, or to end the conversation and leave. The latter makes a very clear statement, but it could provoke a conflict. Therefore, be careful with whom you do it, and when.

Smile less

Smiling and laughing amongh friends and in a relationship is beautiful and joyful. However, smiling does not always have a positive effect. People who smile too much tend to signal insecurity and subordination, especially when the smiling is an attempt to be liked by others. Therefore, if there is no need to laugh or smile, it might be a good idea to control your smile, and remain serious more often.

Say ‘no’

Saying ‘no’ can take some courage, and many people have difficulties with it, but saying ‘no’ from time to time is a absolutely essential in order to get things done. Especially when something is not in your interest or benefit, saying ‘no’ might provide just the right signal at the right time, to signal strength and confidence. Again, saying ‘no’ at the wrong time or situation may backfire, therefore it is always essential to overthink the possbile consequences in advance.

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I am not sure whether there is such a word like ‘drag-down’, especially since English is not my native language. But, I am well-known for little linguistic experiments. In this post I want to take some time to write about a phenomenon, which I simply want to call ‘the drag-down effect’, which refers to the attempts of other people dragging you down to your place in society, which you are so eagerly wanting to break out from.

I come from a family, in which personal finance has never been a priority. You want something more expensive? Then take a loan and use your salary to pay the loan. Want to prosper financially? Get a good job at a top-tier employer and make a career. Want to invest something? Then take some mutual funds, managed by a specialist at your bank.

I do not want to say that this type of lifestyle is bad, but it is not what I am choosing for. I take much pleasure in investing in stocks and options, I feel much more free knowing that I have no large debts, which I will have to keep paying even my financial situation for some reason deteriorates. And I feel fulfilled knowing that I am getting the most out of my money I can, during the situation I am currently at.

Still, I find many people in my environment, my family, my friends, trying to drag me back down into the situation I am just so eagerly trying to escape. When I told my family that I am into stocks and options, I hear at least 10 reasons why they are so risky and I’ll be broke within a year. When I tell my friends that I am saving up to buy a car when winter comes, they try to convince me with all their power why a loan is so much beneficial, and I can truly buy the car I want. And when I tell my neighbors that I spend some hours during the weekend analyzing stocks and companies, they find enough reasons why it is a waste of time.

I tried to find more information on this topic, and came up with two major topic focuses where this phenomenon seems to be well-known.

Becoming the alpha male of the group

Flirting and seduction has grown to a major industry during the past decades. In fact, the main goal is to turn a shy man, or boay, into a true and self-confident man, i.e. an alpha male. These websites, books, and videos discuss how true men behave, how they talk, how they walk, and what their place within a group is.

Knowing the the drag-down effect is considered as being very important among those who want to become the alpha male, since a sudden change of behavior within the group might result in a different social status within the group; and this might simply not be accepted by the group. Each group has its own dynamics, and each person has his place within the group. Therefore, the group members will try to drag down a person who is trying to change his social status within the group, back to the place at which the group believes this person belongs.

Back to personal finance, when you are starting to do things different than your most important peer groups, they will notice and may want to drag you back down to where you came from. This is usually done at a very psychological level, through comments, or destructive advices.

Show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you will become

Another well-known phenomenon is that many people tend to become more and more like their peer groups. As such, many motivational books deal with this topic and warn the reader that they should carefully select their friends, or at least take notice of how intensive their contact with their different friends is. As such, if you have friends who are energetic, positive thinking, good in personal finance and building wealth in general, you could take an example from that, as well as the motivation to keep going and reach that same level as your friends. But it also works the other way around; spending too much time with people who have brought it to nothing, or who are depressed, might infect you as well, and drag you down to their standards of living, and way of thinking.

So, what can I do?

I find it extremely important to be aware of the fact, that people might want to drag you down to the place where you came from. In fact, sometimes I whiteness how much joy some people feel, when others are doing bad. Now, I do not want to set ‘criteria’ for my friends, or for selecting people who I allow myself to become befriended with. However, I do notice a few things when I speak with someome:

• Is the person a positive thinker or a negative thinker? I prefer positive thinkers, as they motivate me. I do have some negative thinking friends in my social circle, and I meet up with them every now and then. But I keep the contact to a minimum.
• Is their feedback constructive or destructive? If I tell these people something out of my life, perhaps something I am trying out, what is the feedback like? Will this person try to hold me back via destructive feedback, or will his words motivate me to carry on?
• When a person is giving me feedback on something, is he a specialist in the field, or is he pretending to be specialist? This gives me some grip on how much I would value his feedback, and perhaps act upon it… or not.
• When I tell a person some of my achievements, is he genuinely happy for me and congratulating me, or is he jealous and trying to find reasons why the achievement wasn’t a true achievement?
• Is a person genuinely interested in ME, or is he interested in what I could do for him? I live in a bigger city where banks dominate the skyline, and it is astonishing how many people focus on topics such as assets, jobs, salaries and networking, in stead of real personal topics, aiming at getting to know each other as two equally worthy people.

In My 24 Commitments, I already wrote an article about The Right Social Circle, recognizing the fact that a person is largely influenced by his peer groups. But how do we get to that? I can say that with 33 years of life experience, few friendships have grown to be genuinely and truly genuine. I consider getting to know people, networking, and gaining friends, as an important part of life. However, just as important as networking is in general, it is as important to know how to network, and where to put the focus on.

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Generally I am quite happy with my life. Surely I want to improve a few things here and there, I do sports to keep fit and healthy, and my monthly salary is keeping me off the streets. I even have some money to save up, to invest, and to enjoy a holiday twice a year. I am single, but I am not breaking my head about it; my focus is on other places right now.

Still I can’t help feeling a bit stressed. In the 90′s, when I still went to school, and later on started my education in International Business, things were somewhat more relaxed. But now… I can’t help feeling pressurized. Maybe it’s just the internet, allowing me to exchange information, and learn, from people who are not relatives or within my circle of closest friends. Perhaps it’s the marketing, which is increasingly applying more refined techniques of brain manipulation. Over the years, I have read and heard about a few topics. They seem to become more and more normal, yet I know for sure these were not issues in my life 15 years ago. Perhaps these are some phenomenons of the new millennium, or I just didn’t know about them; I don’t know. Most of the writing in this post is based on articles and broadcasts which may lie back one or two years ago… so apologies if I can’t name a source to them.

The girl next door

Starting with my favorite topic: women. Now I don’t know about the rest of the world, but it used to be normal to start hooking up at the age of about 14 or 15, and sleeping with a partner for the first time at the age of 17 on average. It must have been over a year ago when I read an article in a Dutch newspaper, where the practice of for example Rainbow Parties (I will not indulge into details, please use Google for further information), where it was commented to be common practice between 12-year olds or so, was being discussed and frowned upon in political circles.

Several psychological and society magazines, on their turn, claimed that children were starting to experiment much more early nowadays, which would be the result of pressure from peer groups and society in general. Many of these teens regret it at a later age. Additionally, social pressure of often also the cause of eating disorders or other behavior disorders.

Slavery for money

An old acquaintance of mine graduated in law at university, and obtained a job at a prominent law firm. After haven’t seen him for months, as he kept cancelling our meetups, we met for a coffee. During that conversation he confessed having to work for 16 hours a day, including Saturday and Sunday, and most of his social circle has deteriorated. Fine, he had a good pay, but he just didn’t have the time to meet up with them. But hey, he said to me, “it’s not all that bad. Other law graduates are spending their time behind the copying machine for 1,200 Dollars per month”. Two months later, he didn’t look good at all. Unfortunately I didn’t see him again after that.

I know it’s normal to have a demanding job when someone has the responsibility that goes with it, such as a manager of a division, or Managing Director. But a graduate? Apart from that, I heard it is illegal in Germany to work for more than 10 hours per day, and each and every employee needs to have at least 11 hours off work between leaving work and starting work the next day.

The man who has nothing

One of my previous neighbors had it all: a big Mercedes, nice penthouse, expensive suits, and an extremely big mouth. All he did was to talk about his riches and success. Then came the crisis and he was laid off.

“That’s not that bad”, I said to him. “You have the car, the penthouse, perhaps some savings. Live a bit frugally for a few months; someone with your knowledge and expertise should have no problem getting a new job”. It turned out he didn’t own anything.

The art of relaxing

I find it hard sometimes not get drawn in on “more, faster, better”. Actually, with increasing pressure from the media, at the workplace, from friends, you sometimes get the impression that you’re a complete failure, whereas you’re actually doing pretty good in what you do.

Therefore I find it so important to stop comparing myself with others, and lead a life that I enjoy, keeping my goals in mind, and leading a well-balanced life. What this has to do with personal finance? It’s simple: it allows me to keep a clear head and to take rational decisions that are good for me.

So, having gotten this out there in the world… it’s time to hit the gym.

Possibly Related Posts:

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Social anxiety and shyness are more around us than we think. Social anxiety is anxiety, or a sense of extreme fear, about social situations, interactions with other people, and generally how we perceive social settings. Social anxiety is often formed during childhood, and usually remains unnoticed until adolecense or early adulthood. Social anxiety is usually a great burden to those individuals impacted, since it normally results in a small social circle, and the inability to engage in new relationships and friendship. However, at a business level, social anxiety also has a great negative impact on career issues; socially anxious people often have a harder time finding a job, they usually work for lower wages, and they have an extreme hard time getting up the career ladder.

The degree of social anxiety is different for each individual. Some individuals might experience social anxiety in only a few particular social settings, whereas others experience it all the time. Typical symptoms for social anxiety are a sense of fear and a great level of stress, which might occur in any of the following situations (this list is non-exhaustive):

• Speaking in front of a large audience
• Being introduced to new people
• Being approached by strangers
• Being in the center of attention
• Speaking with people with authority (e.g. superiors, managers, the police)
• Etc…

Socially anxious people often live unfulfilling lives, have small social circles, and due to the lack of frequent and intensive social interactions, they are verbally not as competent as others. Additionally, social isolation may lead to increased stress, depressions, potentially leading to physical illnesses (skin diseases, cardiovascular disease, etc.).

Often, social anxiety is the result of particular negative experiences in the past. These experience in its turn create beliefs, which start regulating our behaviour. The one and only way to overcome social anxiety and shyness is by creating experiences, which are positive and demonstrate that existing beliefs are wrong and do not apply. The problem here, is that in order to create these experiences, the socially anxious person will need to talk with many different people and approach them, which is impossible due to his belief system. It is a mean viscious circle.

There are different therapies addressing social anxiety, such as behavioural therapy. Behavioural therapy builds on the fact that each person has the potential to develop, and step out of his/her comfort zone using little steps. Behavioural therapy may take place in groups or not, and usually the patient will receive small assignments for which he needs to step out of his comfort zone step-by-step, as well as self-assessment assignments. The goal of behavioural therapy is to ‘override’ existing behaviour by creating new, positive, experiences. The steps taken are usually small, and possible for the patient to take. Each next assignment is built on the previous one.

It might be extremely hard to overcome social anxiety, but it differs from person to person. Sometimes, a person is able to step out of his comfort zone by himself, and break the invisible barrier which is withholding him completely. However, more often this is quite impossible to most people; the fear felt in such situation is simply too strong. For individuals suffering from social anxiety, shyness, or anything which they feel is not allowing them to lead a free and happy life, it is recommended to seek the help of a professional. The professional should be able to understand the situation of the patient and develop a step-by-step plan.

There are many programs (both offline as well as online), as well as professionals, which make it easy to themselves by simply recommend patients to break the barrier and do it. These programs and people show a great lack in professionalism, since they obviously do not understand how social anxiety and shyness impacts an individual in real life.

Possibly Related Posts:

• First Impressions And Their Financial Impact
• Why Cheap Stuff Comes At A Very High Price
• Why Shyness And Social Anxiety Can Be Your Worst Enemy
• Spontaneity vs. Keeping An Agenda
• The Nonsense Of Discrimination